Two years, two months and twelve days. That it how long it has been since I was diagnosed with Ramsay Hunt Syndrome. That is how long it has been since the right side of my face became paralyzed. That is how long it has been since I felt like myself.
Every day I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t recognize the person looking back. I have been hiding and I have gotten really comfortable hiding. I have gotten comfortable in my discomfort. So I am compassionately calling myself out.
This morning I wrote in my journal with tears streaming down my face, more present than ever to the polarities of life and this journey. Simultaneously feeling clear while lost, sick yet grateful, weak yet strong, fearful yet hopeful, whole yet broken.
I know and trust this is what I need to go through. I am open to the lessons the Universe needs me to learn, but it doesn’t make this process any less difficult.
There is nothing linear about the healing journey. I have lived with chronic illness all my life and have been on this journey for 10+ years, I know that peaks and valleys are all part of the process. I also know that when we are going through a difficult time in our lives, the most important thing we can do is be brave enough to say “I am struggling and need support.''
This doesn’t make us weak or incapable of healing, in fact it is the opposite. When we say the words I can’t do this alone, I need support — our entire world opens up to the possibility of deeper love and connection.
Lately I have found the more I have to say, the more that wants to come out of me and show up, the more that negative voice comes in. It says you are stuck. You will be like this forever. It will never get better.
I want to call out that voice now and let it be known that I will not give it my energy any longer.
The other day, I was feeling especially low and as I was crying to Dan I told him I feel trapped inside of my body and I can’t get out. This isn’t me, when will I be me again?
He hugged me and said I am not trapped, I am still me, I just need to find her again.
I know she is in there, and I am going to continue to do everything in my power to connect back to her. To show up for myself and to show up here, because that is what my heart is calling me to do.
As much as I guide others on their healing journey, I am still deeply going through my own journey. I know this is why I am able to hold space in the way I do because I know the bravery it takes to really show up for yourself.
If you are reading this feeling lost, scared and tired of being sick know you are not alone. Everything you are feeling is normal. Together, we will heal. One day at a time.